Blog One# The Importance of Your Custody Orders, Plans, and Schedule

If you and your former spouse are able to agree about a custody plan, you have made a huge stride in successfully moving on with your life.

Parenting schedules and provisions define the terms for sharing the children and they define the children’s custody, scheduling, care, and most other things, and they make the framework of rules that that both parents must follow or they are in violation of the court order.

This is why it is critical that custody agreements and orders are well considered and written.

The custody schedule and parenting provisions are the most important sections in any custody agreement.

This is a critical stage of the process, and if it is not treated with the care and importance that it deserves. The lack of clarity or failure to anticipate the needs and potential stumbling blocks within the schedule can make even of the most amicable of former couples go to war. A badly written custody order may ruin the potential of the agreement and defeat the parties intentions to protect their children, and not to waste money on litigation.


A custody agreement given to an inexperienced, rushed, manipulative, negligent, or inexperienced attorney can cause years of needless stress, contention, inconvenience, and harm to your children and yourself.

In the event you cannot agree on how to resolve these problems later, or if you cannot agree to make any formal custody agreement at all, the court will make an order for custody plan that may address some of the issues. However, such orders may address some of your issues, but generally they are even more likely to force you into a schedule that otherwise defies reason by failing to address all the needs of your family. It is very difficult to fit your complex life into one of the court order templates.

The court does not have time to deal with the minutia of any families’ lives. The Judge does not have time to get to know you, and for the most part judges cannot spend time working through the complexities of making an order that resolves many of the conflicts with the child’s activities, your work, scheduling with the other parent, and variants of almost any kind.

A great custody order considers all the factors in each case, the parties, and their children potential problems, special needs, and preemptive protections.


Nothing in this blog, or in any future blog is about ANY of my client’s, past or present. Any resemblance to any case or person is purely coincidental. If you feel that something that I have written maybe yours it is because many issues and facts in family law matters are relatively the same, and there are aspects in almost every case that seem to repeat themselves.


Fortunately, I have been doing this long enough to have plenty of non-client stories, opinions, and personal observations, about the dynamics of Family law action. It is my hope that my thoughts may enlighten, inform, or be of some help or comfort.


Hope you find my blog to be of service to you throughout your family law action.


Please see BLOG 3# for a chart about the use of cost benefits analysis.


David Lee Moore provides cost effective coaching, limited scope, and full service representation for any family law, child custody, and child and spousal matters throughout most of the State of California. If you would like a consultation, please go to the website or contact him at Familylawcontact@gmail.com or call 805-643-1671 or his website at divorcecalif.com

Blog Post 1# Child Custody/Shared Custody Rules for Parents who are Divorcing, Separating, Involved in or Contemplating Any Form of Custody Action

Remember, while you are ex-spouses, ex-lovers, etc. you are not ex-parents, and you will need to be better parents and get along better than when you were married; you need each other to parent effectively.

Some rules I have come up with as I have worked as a family attorney over the past twenty years.

• Take responsibility for behaving properly, by keeping your children out of the middle, and not behaving badly even if the other parent does not.

• In other words, do not become part of a circle of bad behavior, if the other parent is behaving badly, be the one who always takes the high road.

• Do not like fear about the process and your losses rule your mind. Seek good advice from professionals and be leery of “helpful” friends and family advice if what they say you should do violates the law, court orders, or what is morally right.

• Keep your word to each other. Always.

• There is no excuse for bad behavior, and it never helps the process.

• If the other parent lies, or does any other bad thing, do respond in kind, it is not a good example for your children and it only makes things worse.

• Your former spouse acting badly is not an excuse for you to act badly.

• Do not discuss your issues, pending changes, or anything that is contentious in front of the children. If you must speak on the phone about this, go outside.

• Be considerate of what you leave around for the children to see. They know/discover more than we think.

• Always engage in family speech, you are still a family even if you separate, divorce, or in any way are living apart. You and your former partner share children, and their interests should always be your focus.

• Give up being the one that is “right” or less at fault. It rarely matters in this sort of action.

• There is rarely any punishment in divorce or family cases, there are children’s lives to determine, and beyond that, there is only money and stuff (both replaceable) to divide.

• Families must treat each other with respect at all times.

• This includes both the adults and the children.

• The children must be protected from ANY contention, must not be placed in the middle, and cannot be encouraged to eavesdrop, report, or take any action within this process.

• Both parents must reassure children.

• All of the children are connected to treat ANYONE differently is to harm them all.

• Children must honor and respect both their parents, and it is on the parents to strive to be worthy of honor and respect.

• Consider how you look in your children’s eyes.

• Children need to know both of their parents love them and put their interests first.

• Nothing in this sort of relationship can be about the money; it is about doing what is right to the best of your ability.

• Never ever, say negative things about the other parent to the children or in front of the children.

• Never let your family, friends, or others say negative things about the other parent to the children or in front of the children.

• Do not speak to each other DISRESPECTFULLY or use condescending or derogatory language with each other in any manner, in any writing, or in any speech to or about each other.

• Keep ALL of your children's faces in front of you (obtain wallet photos) because no matter where you are they are looking to you.

• Exchange pleasantries in front of the children; model appropriate behavior between the two adults; share important information such as medical and school event information; attend events together when possible. Be happy and enjoy each other through sharing your children.

• Any disagreements or conflicts must not be discussed in front of the children.

• Set agreed times for communicating; avoid telephoning, e-mails, etc. at other times unless there is an emergency.

• Respect the other parent's parenting style, but do not accept ANY VERBAL or PHYSICAL abuse by either parenting. That is not a style it is ABUSE.

• Make your children's security and self-esteem is more important than your disagreements, especially over money, property, or independence.

• Always be flexible and supportive of each others careers, do not interfere with children's school and social activities; be willing to give up “your" time without complaint to make these things happen.

• Respect the other parent's time with the children, their household, and their right to have a happy life, separate from yours.

• Be happy for each other’s success.

• Speak well of each other to your children. Include all of the children from your former relationship, especially step siblings in your activities whenever possible. Demand that your children are respectful with your former spouse or partner.

• Speak well of your children, and see and comment on what they all do well, everyday. Do not attribute their bad behavior, looks, or attitude to your former spouse in their presence. If the other parent is alienating them from you or spoiling them, or telling them not to mind you, take this problem to a counselor.

• Always be on time for your visits or returns, and five minutes early if possible.

• Any changes requested in the schedule must be discussed and agreed to with the other parent first before informing the children or even mentioning the possibilities.

• Do not place children in loyalty conflicts; do not quote children to other parent and do not accept what child says about the other parent as accurate without checking with the other parent.

• Do not involve attorneys or courts make the decisions you should make as parents. Once you go here, there is almost never any recovery, and the expense and loss for your children will be astronomical.

• Keep simple decisions simple, be generous, and do not use special events for your children that fall on your "time" such as relatives visits, family tragedies, school functions, birthday parties, trips to Disneyland, weddings or any other fun or important family time with your child and your former spouse as a means to extend your battles, or to extract something you want. If your child would enjoy the event or should rightfully be there, let them go with your blessing and a "nice hope you have a great time." Unless the other parent will endanger them in the process, you must do this, no matter how horrible they may be or may have been to you.

• Do not use your child as a go-between.

• Do not discuss your feelings about the other parent with your child, your child is not and should not ever be made into a confidant or a buddy.

• Always remember that your child needs to spend time with both parents to grow up healthy and happy.

• Never argue in front of your child.

• Be flexible whenever possible.

Blog Post 3# PRO’S AND CON’S OF DIFFERENT FORMS OF REPRESENTATION FOR FAMILY LAW ACTION, DIVORCES, OR CHILD CUSTODY DISPUTES

Document Prep or Document Prep with a Consultation

Self representation with Documents prepared by an attorney or attorney’s office with attorney review and approval is the cheapest method, and it is the best for do it yourself types who have nothing at issue. Document preparation (excluding any custom drafted declarations or more complex forms of paper work) is provided at a flat rate. The client may also seek a consultation for guidance through what they need and what they should expect from the process, but this is not required. The client remains 100% responsible for their case and they are not represented.

Pros

· One of the cheapest ways to have the correct documents to proceed with and complete your action.

Cons

· This works when there is absolutely no contention, where there are few if any assets, and where the parties agree or where one party is allowing the action to pass by default.

· This is often too difficult for parties with assets, a long-term marriage, contended issues, children, support issues, and/or when the other party is represented, and/or not of a mind to settle or settle fairly.

· The attorney does NOT make any court appearances for you, he only insures that the paper work is correct for filing, and he does not attempt to clarify, investigate, or verify any of the facts that you provide.

Legal Coaching/Document Prep

For this service, the attorney advises you, guides your preparation, and prepares or reviews the forms that you need for filing your action. The attorney does not represent you in court, and they are in no way responsible for the outcome.

This service is for people that want to save fees, and most often the matters that attorneys coach them through are not hotly contested matters. Services are charged by the attorney’s hourly basis prorated to the minute, fees are due and payable immediately before or immediately after services are rendered or against a set retainer that was pre-paid based upon the services estimate.

Pros

· A lower cost way to have the correct documents and guidance on an as needed basis to proceed with and complete your action.

· Less threatening to the other side than full representation.

· Can foster or maintain a less defensive and more cooperative and open exchange between unrepresented parties to maintain the feeling that they are on equal footing.

· Saves money while an attorney is not required.

· The attorney can give coaching as you feel you need the help, and if requested he can do a general overview of your paperwork, your case direction, and possible approaches and pitfalls.

Cons

· This works when there is absolutely no contention, where there are few if any assets, and where the parties agree or where one party is allowing the action to pass by default.

· This is often too difficult for parties with assets, a long-term marriage, contended issues, children, support issues and/or when the other party is represented, and/or not of a mind to settle or settle fairly.

· Parties often feel completely lost when presenting their case themselves, they do not understand what the judge wants, they do not know the rules, and when up against someone who is represented they often accidentally sell themselves short or worse.

· If you opt for coaching you do not have an attorney to represent you in court, unless you subsequently contract with the attorney for limited scope or full service representation.

· The attorney does NOT make any court appearances for you, They will only addresses issues and paper work that you request, his work is generally defined by your requests, and your expressed need for clarity or concerns. Upon request they insure the paper work is correct for filing, and he does not attempt to clarify, investigate, or verify any of the facts that you provide, unless that is the work you request as part of your coaching.

Mediation

Divorce mediation is a meeting with a skilled third party who facilitates the discussion of the action or potential action related issues.

A successful mediation generally involves parties who are on a relatively even footing in terms of their abilities to advocate for themselves and assert their positions.

Steps in mediation include discussions, planning, negotiation and require the following:

· Reliable information, and the parties desire to cooperatively resolve their issues.

· Exchanges of information, information gathering assignments for the parties.

· Discussions of finances, divisions of assets and debt

· Discussions of Children/Custody/ Spousal Support/Other forms of Support

· Negotiations, settlement of issues

· Drafting final settlement (some issues may be reserved if they cannot be settled).

Pros

· Mediation generally maybe a less expensive option.

· Mediation may avoid court delays and save time.

· The parties learn negotiating skills that they can use later on.

· Couples with children are often able to cooperate and relate well at children's events.

· Parties control the results and can prevent issues caused by the courts standard orders.

· Clients can hire a financial planner to help with budgeting and financial aspects of divorce.

· In contested hearings, judges do not have time to address the nuances of the couple's issues.

· Couples in mediation can fashion agreements that work better than ones ordered by the courtbecause they address the specifics that differentiate their cases from all other divorce cases.

Document prep/ Legal Coaching/ Mediation is not recommended for:

· Cases involving domestic abuse.

· Cases where the parties distrust each other.

· Cases where there is deception by one or both parties.

· Parties using the process to "punish" the other, or who are demanding some sort of admission of fault or additional consideration for their "suffering" or that feel they are entitled to much more than the law and/or fairness allows.

· Parties who cannot understand the process does not yield "winners" and "losers." The goal is fairness and both parties must compromise to achieve an agreement.

Some services that I offer are known as unbundling legal services, which is limited scope representation wherein I may provide you a consultation and give advice and direction; document preparation; and/or limited representation in court.

Unbundled Legal Services/Limited Scope Representation

The scope of representation is limited to the services and appearances defined for by your needs and by your agreement with the attorney. The attorney may consult with you, provide document prep or other services for you, and/or appear for you in court, depositions, negotiations, mediation, or any other court or case related appearance on an as needed pay as you go basis.

Pros

· A lower cost way to have the guidance you need, and representation in court on an as needed basis to proceed with and complete your action.

· Less threatening to the other side than full representation.

· Can foster or maintain a less defensive and more cooperative and open exchange between unrepresented parties to maintain the feeling that they are on equal footing.

· Saves money while an attorney is not required.

Cons

· This works when there is absolutely no contention, where there are few if any assets, and where the parties agree or where one party is allowing the action to pass by default.

· This is often too difficult for parties with assets, a long-term marriage, contended issues, children, support issues and/or when the other party is represented, and/or not of a mind to settle or settle fairly.

Collaborative Law

Collaborative law is a cross between divorce mediation and litigation. Collaborative law operates like mediation, but the parties' are represented through the negations by their own counselors(attorneys).

Pros

· The process tends to run more smoothly than a fully litigated case.

· Unsophisticated parties who do not feel comfortable advocating for themselves have a representative who can help them navigate the process effectively.

· The collaborative lawyer is a trained advocate who has a sense of what a court would do in a given situation but who also appreciates the value of compromise in moving the divorce ahead.

· Collaborative law tends to be more goal-oriented than mediation, avoiding the emotional arguments that can sideline progress toward resolution.

· Since the collaborative process involves counsel through every step of the way, there are fewer surprises at the conclusion of the process.

· The goal of all parties is to reach accord. When everyone goes into the process with that common goal, many misunderstandings and disappointments can be avoided.

Cons

· Sometimes fees for the collaborative process exceed fees for mediation since two professionals are involved in every meeting and both are billing their time.

· If the process reaches an impasse, and litigation becomes likely, collaborative lawyers take the position that they will bow out of the case and new lawyers will be brought in.

· Limited Scope Representation/Unbundled Services

Divorce Litigation/Full Service Representation

This is the most expensive form of service, and often requires the use of other experts whom the attorney selects and coordinates for you. Mediation and collaboration both require cooperation and the willingness of both parties to seek reasonable solutions to a variety of issues. However, not every case involves two reasonable, amicable parties. Sometimes, almost nothing can be resolved amicably, and you must hire an attorney and go though the process.

Pros

· Not constrained by the parameters of mediation or collaborative law, the attorney in divorce litigation is unfettered in his/her role as advocate for the best possible result for the client.

· Going through the process is often the most equitable way of resolving disputes that cannot be settled fairly by agreement.

· The courtroom provides a forum where a disadvantaged spouse can level the playing field against a spouse who held all the cards throughout the parties' marriage.

· Some spouses refuse to take any action not specifically required by a court. In these cases, every issue requires a trip to the courthouse.

· Sometimes litigants need to play out their emotional disputes through the court process.

· Hiring a full-service lawyer frees you from having to research, study and familiarize yourself about divorce law.

· Full service clients can make their divorce easier and less expensive by familiarizing themselves with information about the process, and obtaining advice about and doing as many things as they can for themselves.

· Full Service Representation is normally necessary for most contested matters, such as high asset divorces and/or child custody matters.

· For some this is the least stressful, as it does not require that they do much work on their own case beyond following instructions, providing documents as needed, and paying their bill.

Cons

· A good litigator will consider and research substantive legal issues and anticipate evidentiary issues in advance of a court date. This preparation and research costs money.

· Litigation often involves delay, so trial of a case can involve significant court time.

· In most cases, both parties are paying legal fees from the same pool of marital assets and accordingly, litigation reduces the overall "pot" to be divided at the end of the case.

· An element of mediation plays into every litigated case. At various stages of the process, the court will require that the parties meet with experienced mediators, or even a judge who will not be their trial judge, to determine whether all or at least some of the parties' issues can be resolved short of trial. Often, the parties resolve their dispute on the courthouse steps. A good lawyer looks at the strengths and weaknesses of his or her client's case and makes an educated guess as to the likely outcome.

I offer all of these services to aid clients who do not need or cannot afford full representation. This allows my client's to use their money to buy services to achieve the results they hope to obtain within a budget they can afford.

Determining what services are best suited to your case, financial limitations, and that are most likely to help solve you problem and/or family law issues will aid you through your family law process in the best possible manner.

The initiation of family law action is a difficult time for the parties and children that maybe involved. Sometimes, the best, most reasonable, and most expeditious result for a client is through negotiations rather than court. If you are facing a divorce, or the possibility of a divorce, I am available to any person living in the State of California, or that has an action that is or must be filed in the California court. Please call my office for an appointment for coaching/consultation and I can assist you with any questions you might have about your case and/or the type of service that is right for you.

To provide the most versatile and cost effective services that suit the diverse needs of my clients, I offer levels of service, varying levels of representation, unbundled services, consulting, and document prep.

Blog Post 2# Cost Benefits Analysis: By an Example Story, From a Courtside Seat

As you plan your action, you must step back from your feelings, and do a Costs Benefits Analysis for every case action if you hope to achieve the most positive results possible.

One afternoon, I was in the hallways of yet another courthouse when I happened upon a couple that I knew before I became an attorney. Even though they were not speaking to each other, they had plenty to say as their attorneys made their very passionate arguments and asserted their respective positions by shuttling up and down the hallway between their clients as they tried to cut a deal.

The couple’s relationship had deteriorated so much that they were willing to pay their respective attorneys to stay well beyond their morning settlement conference to speak for them. Between the two, they would pay their attorneys respective minimum afternoon charges of $1750.00 and $1500.00.

Even for me, the sight of them was a bit of a shock, as they had been so in love.

What issues could be worth the anger and expense they incurred that afternoon? Surely, for $3250.00 plus, they must be fighting over something worthy. However, when I asked the man why they were fighting he said, they were having a dispute over a lawn mower and a sweater. When I asked him how much these items were worth, he said priceless, but if he had to place a price on them, the lawn mower was just under $400.00 when it was new (his ex bought it for him as a gift, and then took it when she moved out). The sweater was worth a bunch of time and about 30.00 worth of wool (which her mother had knitted for her and which he gave to his girlfriend, the cause of the divorce after his ex would not return his mower). So, the “important” issue, was not their child, home, pension, or child, or spousal support, nor was anything needed for the operation of their business, it was items worth less than $1000.00.

When he asked what I would do, I suggested he buy a better lawnmower for $500.00, return the sweater to your ex, say your sorry, and buy your girlfriend a nicer one. Even if the sweater he bought was hand knit by the fairies, it could not cost more than 250.00. Then he could pocket 1000.00 , start saving some money, and get a head start on healing the breach with his ex, with whom he must continue to deal with because they have a child.

But it’s the principle, he cried.

Ultimately this remains the client’s call. The law that regulates attorney-client relationships sets forth the basic proposition that an attorney cannot take any position in conflict with the client. No matter what attorneys may recommend in private, generally, we must act with complete loyalty to the client’s interests, and wishes as long they are within the bounds of the law and ethics. You may advise against it, but the client makes the call on these matters.

It is the client's responsibility to decide on substantive matters connected with their case. Such matters, include, but are not limited to, the matters they wish to place at issue, commencement of legal proceedings , to effect a settlement of the entire dispute or to stipulate to a waiver of rights.

Thus, if I represented him, I would honor his position, and principles and fervently advocate for him. From the facts, the mower was a birthday gift to the husband from the wife and thus it is his separate property, which is worth the market value of the same or similar lawn mowers in like condition. As for the sweater, it should be a non-issue as his ex-wife had abandoned the sweater in a pile of junk that she left behind for the trash man when she moved out. The sweater did not become an issue until many months later when his ex-wife saw his girlfriend wearing the sweater at the store. Thus, my client should obtain an order for the return of the mower or the offset of the value of the mower within their property settlement, and nothing should happen with the sweater.

However, before assuming this posture, I would advise him strongly not to do more damage to his future co-parenting relationship with his soon to be ex, and not to spend his money this way (even though he’s paying me). If the impasse continued, this matter would proceed to court, and take additional time and expense, and go even further beyond the actual value of the property, and more deeply into the negative. Even though the man is technically right, he and his girlfriend were using the sweater to antagonize his ex, and this sort of pettiness may hurt his credibility with the judge on the more important matter, which is the custody of their child.

When emotions are set aside, cost analysis can often make divorce matters such as this more cost effective, and simple. However, overcoming the emotional attachment to things, and understanding the long-term effects of battling over these things is much more complex. He or she may win by getting both things, or both may end up in a draw, where she is still without her sweater, and he is without the mower, but they both will eventually be angry over the costs of their principals. Anger over such matters usually permeates the parties other dealings, and continues to cost them money and/or their peace.

Breaking down the cost of his principles, both parties failure to stop this destructive contest of wills, cost, at a minimum 3250.00, while adding tons of fuel to the fire that is burning up the remains of their formerly pleasant relationship.

Later, clients often experience regret, and sometimes rage over the money they have spent on representation. It is important that you and your attorney run though a cost benefits analysis on all of the potentially costly issues in every action, so that you can understand, and acknowledge the estimated expense to pursue your position.] Once you understand the potential cost of these aspects of your case, it is usually more satisfying not to waste money-litigating matters that have no potential for monetary return unless the matter involves your children.

For some, these sort of principals are priceless and that remains true long after their case has settled. Others learn that they can be, or would have been, much happier discussing and applying the logic of a cost benefits analysis to many of the issues of their case.

Nothing in this blog, or in any future blog is about ANY of my client’s, past or present. Any resemblance to any case or person is purely coincidental. If you feel that something that I have written maybe yours it is because many issues and facts in family law matters are relatively the same, and there are aspects in almost every case that seem to repeat themselves.

Fortunately, I have been doing this long enough to have plenty of non-client stories, opinions, and personal observations, about the dynamics of Family law action. It is my hope that my thoughts may enlighten, inform, or be of some help or comfort.

Please see BLOG 3# for a chart about the use of cost benefits analysis.

David Lee Moore provides cost effective coaching, limited scope, and full service representation for any family law, child custody, and child and spousal matters throughout most of the State of California.

http://www.divorcecalif.com/Family_Law_Representation_for_Southern_California/Tips_to_Avoid_or_minimize.html

Blog Post 1# Cost Benefits Analysis: Be the Smarter Party in Your Divorce or Family Court Action

As you proceed with any legal process, consider that it costs $1.1 Million to Raise One Child, from Birth through College. Even if you have no children, you should calculate what it costs to maintain your life style at a tolerable level after your split as you plan your action with your attorney. In most cases, you will suffer some temporary loss or decrease of income. Thus, the more money that you waste on attorneys, experts, and fighting over the issues, the longer it is before you will return to your former lifestyle.

If you have a child or children, multiply the number of children x 1.1 million = Y and then Divide Y by your estimated total number of months before the children are independent = X + Your monthly costs/expenses = How much income you need every month. Then add on the cost of supporting your litigation and this number, and even when you deduct any share of these costs that may be covered by your soon to be former spouse, or any other parent via child or spousal support, and for most people it is still a frightening number.

No one should waste his or her assets and/or income on wasteful litigation.

You should always apply costs benefits analysis to every part of your case as you are planning any family law action.

If you want to learn when you can use costs benefits analysis to determine your actions on the issues in you case and save yourself money, time, frustration and dissatisfaction. Go to Blog 2# for more on the use of CBA - Costs Benefits Analysis in family law actions.

This article is not legal advice. Every case is unique, and you must consult an attorney for answers to specific legal questions on your case.

Southern California Divorce attorney David Lee Moore provides cost effective coaching, limited scope, and full service representation for any family law, child custody, and child and spousal matters throughout most of the State of California.

http://cheapskate.blogs.time.com/2009/09/18/1-1-million-cost-to-raise-a-child-from-birth-through-college/

http://www.divorcecalif.com/Family_Law_Representation_for_Southern_California/Tips_to_Avoid_or_minimize.html